Example

Dear Bob Kelly,

It has been brought to my attention that your account is now 90 days past due. The amount you currently owe is $10,985.46. If you have any questions regarding the bill, please contact Ann Smith at 555-5555, and she’ll be happy to explain any details. I’m sorry to say that unless I receive payment in full by May 15, company policy requires me to send your account to collections. I hope we can resolve this to our mutual benefit.

Sincerely, Mary Jones

Explanation

Message: Clear. The reader knows exactly what he has to do, and the tone is pleasant but firm. There are many reasons why a company pays its bills late. You don’t want to lose a long-term relationship with a client because of one unfriendly memo. The tone pushes this
example into the excellent category.

• Mechanics: No mistakes. This is the standard that all private business writing should strive for, and all public and promotional writing should achieve.

  
  

Good Business Writing. Clearly conveys your message with a few minor mistakes.

Example

Dear Bob Kelly,

Our records indicated that your account is now 90 days past due. You currently owe $10,985.46, so if you have any questions about your account, please contact Ann Smith immediately at 555-5555. Unless I receive payment in full by May 15, your account will be turned over to a collection urgency.

Sincerely,
Mary Jones

Explanation

• Message: Clear. The tone is firm and while not unpleasant it certainly isn’t friendly. However, the reader will probably not feel offended. After all, he is late paying his bill.

• Mechanics: The verb indicated should be present tense, indicates. The word urgency is a typo and should be agency. This is acceptable writing by writers who have no proofreaders available to proof their work. In other words, a boss should not label an employee a ‘‘bad’’ writer for turning this letter in. He should praise the person for writing a clearly worded message and then, as an afterthought, point out the two mechanical errors that slipped by.

  
  

‘‘Writing is weighted very heavily across the board, especially in annual reviews and promotions. For our annual reviews, we ask employees to write a list of the contributions they’ve made to the firm that year. The list must be succinct, just two- or threesentence statements that highlight their accomplishments at Deloitte Consulting. When it comes to promotions, we dig a lot deeper into their communications skills. We not only look into what they’ve done for the firm, but how well they communicate with colleagues and clients. We’re a consulting firm, so communication is our business. If our employees write and speak well, we will be successful. Compensation increases are based on the annual reviews and promotion reviews, so good communication skills factor into both.’’

Victor Nau, partner,
Deloitte Consulting
(from his interview in Part III)

Borderline Business Writing. Conveys your message, but makes you look unprofessional.

Example

Attn: Bob Kelly

Our record indicated that your account is way overdo almost 90 days. You owe $10,985.46 if you have any questions contact Ann Smith at 555-5555. Unless I received payment by May 15, you’re account will be tuned over to a collection agency.

Sincerely,
Mary Jones

Explanation

Message: I understand the message and do not have to write or call the sender to clarify any points, but the mechanical errors draw so much attention to themselves that they cause me to stop and reread certain words and phrases. The many errors also make me think this person is not very sharp.

• Mechanics: Indicated should be present tense, indicates. Overdo should be spelled overdue. The phrase ‘‘way overdo almost 90 days’’ is too wordy and informal. The second sentence is a run-on; there should be a period after $10,985.46. Received should be receive. Tuned is a typo and should be spelled turned. Is this acceptable business writing? For a bank manager or human resources representative, the answer is probably no. If everything they write looks like this, I would expect it to be an issue at their next annual review. However, a dispatcher’s or technician’s promotion may not be in jeopardy for writing at this level. Companies should determine what qualifies as borderline business writing and publish the standard.

  
  

Bad Business Writing. Does not communicate the intended business message, wastes the time of both parties by requiring a second communication to clarify the first, could create a business problem, and makes the writer look unsophisticated.

Example 1

Attn: Bob Kelly

According to our records, you are past due 90 days on your account of $10,985.46. We will be calling a collection agency if you do not contact Ann Smith immediately at 555-5555. We must receive payment in full by May 15.

Sincerely,
Mary Jones

Explanation 1

Message: Clear communication did not take place. Bob Kelly will have to call and ask for clarification: Does he have to call Ann Smith immediately to keep from going into collections or send a payment by May 15?

• Mechanics: Example 1 has no mechanical errors. This is an example of communication that is bad even though it has no grammar, spelling, or punctuation problems.

  
  

Example 2

Attn: Bob Kelly

After looking through our records of the passed 6 months regarding your several accounts receivables and digital ledger entries, according to those records of $10,985.46, you are due 90 days in delinquency. We will be left little choice but to take such action as we deem legalistically allowable as to calling a collection agency if you do not communicate with Ann Smith immediately at 555-5555 concerning your lack of payments to our established accounts payable. As much as we dislike taking the actions implied, payment must be receipted to us in full by May 15 of the coming month or such measures will be duly considered and acted upon.

Sincerely,
Mary Jones

Explanation 2

Message: Clear communication did not take place. The memo is wordy; full of jargon and muddy thinking. Bob Kelly will have to call and ask for clarification: Does he have to call Ann Smith immediately to keep from going into collections or send in a payment by May 15?

• Mechanics: Passed is a typo and should be spelled past. The noun receipt is used as a verb, receipted.

  
  

Bottom-Line Bad Writing. The message is not clear and mechanical errors add to the confusion. The company could lose money because of this memo.

Example

Attn: Bob Kelly

According to your records of $1098.546, you are past do 90 day we will be calling a collection agency. If you do not contact Ann Smith immediately at 555-5555, we must recieve payment in full by May 15.

Sincerely, Mary Jones

Explanation

• Message: It’s not clear when the money is due or when it will go to the collection agency. Worst of all, Bob Kelly might send a check for $1,098.55 and claim he’s paid his bill in full, and use this memo as proof.

• Mechanics: The first sentence should read our records, not your. Do should be spelled due. Day should be days. The first sentence is a run-on. It should be divided into two separate sentences by adding a period after the word days and capitalizing the word We. The word receive is misspelled. However, as originally written, a reader could assume the first sentence ends after the word do, and that the word In was left out to begin the second sentence—‘‘In 90 days we will be calling a collection agency’’—which further muddies the question as to what action the reader must take and when.